My girlfriend ran off with my antidepressants; I hope she's happy now.

The first one is the number, the second one is pi (at least 0.0005 bigger).

But if this is a joke and not a riddle, perhaps it's not supposed to be answered? Or perhaps the joke kicks in if I answer incorrectly, because then the joke is on me ..
Grammar can be so much fun :p

Somebody in the US would say, "Of course pi (~3.1415) > 3.141, and 3,141 (three thousand one hundred forty-one) > pi".

Someone from elsewhere in the world will say "Of course pi (~3,1415) > 3,141 and 3.141 (three thousand one hundred forty one) > pi".

In other words, the (obvious) answers will be different depending on how one's region treats commas and periods in numbers.

In Standard English, two double negatives cancel each other out and yield a positive. the sentence I gave has two negatives, "ain't" and "no", which in Standard English, cancel each other out. In other words, this statement is saying that I *do* have a piece of paper.

However, "ain't" ain't Standard English, and it turns out that, in dialects where "ain't" is used, double negatives don't work the same way! There's apparently a song whose title starts with "I Ain't Got No Home", where the lyrics describe the singer as wandering around.

In other words, there is no dialect of English, to my knowledge, in which double negatives cancel out and "ain't" is a word.

(Exercise for the reader (non-trivial): Translate this joke into a language other than English.)

My girlfriend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"

Two tomatoes are crossing a road. One of them gets run over by a car. The other says: 'Come on, catch up!'

















What?

What did the giant squid say when he heard a funny joke?

You're kraken me up!

My girlfriend told me recently that I need to be much more affectionate.
Now I have three girlfriends.

Little Ziggy walked into his local barber shop. The barber whispers to his customer, "this kid is the dumbest kid in the world. Look at this." The barber puts a dollar in one hand and some coins in the other, and presents them to little Ziggy. "Take your pick!" he says to little Ziggy while smiling at his customer. Little Ziggy takes the coins and leaves. The barber bursts out laughing. "What did I tell ya?" he says to his customer, "he'll never learn!". A while later, the barber's customer leaves the barber shop and bumps into Little Ziggy on the street, who is eating an ice cream. "Let me ask you something, kid," he says to Little Ziggy. "Why didn't you take the dollar?" Little Ziggy looks up and says, "Simple. The day I take the dollar, the game will end!"

The other night my girlfriend said, “I’m seeing another dude.”
I said, “Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.”

There was this guy spamming a forum thread with girlfriend jokes. Somebody asked him: 'Why do you post so many girlfriend jokes when you haven't had a girlfriend in your life?' And he answered, 'Well, that's the joke. You didn't seriously think that any of those posts were funny?'

What do you call a group of introverts?

An awkward.

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I was trying to think of a good joke about social distancing, but this was as close as I could get.

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A priest, a bishop and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender asks them "Is this some kind of joke?"
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A priest, a bishop a rabbit walk into a bar and the rabbit says "I think I'm a typo"

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This one is not actually a joke but it's something that really happened to me. After a big rain I took my truck out to have some 4x4 fun in the mud. I was driving down a deserted dirt road and noticed a few seconds too late that the rain had washed out a section of road and the front end of my truck went down into the crevasse. My buddy and I got out and saw that there was no way we could get the truck out by ourselves but I had some 4x4 friends I could call to help. Unfortunately this was about a quarter century ago (now I feel old) and cell phones weren't the standard accessories they are today. On the upside there was a large concrete building on this road about a mile away, we walked to the guard at the front gate and I said "My truck is stuck in a gulley about a mile down the road. Could I use your phone to call for help?" Before I got the words out however the guard was up from his seat, hand on his sidearm and several other guards were approaching. I was ordered to keep my hands visible and the first gate guard told me "Sir, I don't know if you are aware, but this facility is a prison." Without missing a beat I replied "So then I only get one phone call, right?"

Something that happened to me, at an LGBTQ festival:

Me: Bye!
Other person: I'm gay.

That repeated a few times before I realized what the joke was.

Dracula: *transforms into a bat*

My girlfriend: "OMG flappy sky puppy come
here there is a blanket and I've got the
brushybrushy for you do you want the
brushybrushy?"

Dracula:
My girlfriend: :3
Dracula:
My girlfriend:
Dracula: *tiny voice* "yes"

Wtf lol

^ Don't feel bad about not having a girlfriend yet StarChan.
Remember, Shrek didn't have a girlfriend until he was 30.

StarChan: "Unlike Shrek, I'm not sexy."

(edited to mention that is, of course, a joke above... I'm sure that you have a girlfriend if you want one, StarChan)