(removed on user request)
Someone posted this on my Facebook page, and I clicked on it, and it brought me to YuoTube (that's how they spelled it). I'M SCARED.

Protecting your computer with that thing is like trying to pole vault with a toothpick.

In XP, yes, Vista and 7 are better. Of course there are better alternatives, but it works.

Yeah, I guess, but I'm just not bothered to find new security software. I've had issues with Norton, McAfee, Kaspersky, BitDefender, etc. You know those Apple ads where the PC guy has to say Allow or Deny for everything he does? It was like that. And it pissed me off when I was playing a game because 8 out of 10 times the game would CTD when the pop-ups asking me whether to allow or deny was popping up during my game.
Besides, common sense rules all. I don't click on attachments (even Gmail scans them for me), I don't download warez (the odd TV show torrent every now and again, I do that though), and I don't click on links from people I don't trust/don't know without checking them out if it's a dodgy link like YouTueb or YuoTube or YoTube or whatever.
And lastly, I don't use Facebook. Except for Farmville.

Fixed a typo for you

Just as with IE, the main security problem with it is that it's the default. Therefore that it will be compromised isn't so much a possibility as a guarantee. It might have been good had it not been supplied with Windows as standard.

If you can give me the name of a security suite that isn't a RAM/CPU hog, won't bother me during my gaming sessions, won't ask me to allow/deny every time while not making the wrong automatic decisions, will give me a decent peace of mind, won't require me to upgrade every year, I'd love to hear it.

You used those two? Damn, I'm surprised you didn't give up on technology altogether and go off and live in the mountains or something. McAfee is the single worst virus I've ever had. And that's probably only because I've never used Norton.
There are decent firewalls that you can set to 'game mode'. Which doesn't bug you. Alternatively there are firewalls that display some common sense and don't bug you about each little thing that's clearly not a threat.
If you've got your walls decked out in tin foil then yes, that would appear to be a typo to you. :P A software firewall is good enough to stop malware and unwanted intrusions. Therefore it's good enough to protect most people from the threats there is the remotest chance of them facing.
Zonealarm has a game mode. Which means you can set everything to either allow or deny while you're in a game. It's free so no premium upgrades.
Comodo's firewall is good. But only if you disable/don't install everything but the firewall.
Alternatively there's my free software list that has quite a few alternatives already.

http://www.cisco.com/en/US/products/ps6120/index.html
You never said it had to be affordable...

They can be pretty easy to compromise through social engineering attacks (especially the "clik heree 4 boobz!" kind) and are only effective at the end point. The best security is applied at the point where traffic enters the system, not the final destination.

How is zonealarm these days? The last time I used it it had a special mode called "Shit mode", it was sometimes mis-labelled as "on"

I'd recommend Comodo Internet Security paired with Avast! Free. CIS uses around 3-6 MB of RAM (seriously) and a negligible amount of CPU power. It's also very low on pop-ups; any trusted program will automatically get full access to the monitor and network ports and whatnot even if it tries doing something that CIS hasn't seen yet; the only time it will warn about a safe program is if an unknown program tries to interact with it in a suspicious manner.
As of CIS v4, unknown programs will automatically spawn a single pop-up window upon first launch; confirming the file as safe through that pop-up will whitelist it, which makes it automatically bypass security checks. If the file is digitally signed you can also check a box in the same pop-up to add that signature to your trusted vendor repository, which will make all future programs signed by that vendor automatically trusted. CIS ships with many common digital signatures, and programs using them are automatically trusted even if a particular program or version didn't exist at the time the signature was added to the database. A program you manually add to the whitelist will be trusted even if you update it to a new version; this is very useful for regularly-patched programs like Steam games and such as you only need to confirm each once (it won't be queried again unless the file name or location changes).
I've used various security suites, but CIS v4 is the only one I've seen where you only get a single pop-up. The whitelist and signature database are also very useful; even the latest and greatest paid security suites (hello Norton 360!) have with very limited whitelisting and typically don't have a user-friendly way of saying "don't ask about this file ever again".
I wouldn't yet recommend CIS to novice users as a must-have because some functions still need to be improved or made a bit clearer, but if one using the likes of Norton 360 wanted to move to a suite that had the same level of security but wasn't a confusing, system-crippling piece of garbage I'd certainly go with this.
ZoneAlarm is still as rubbish as ever, especially the crippled free version. It has various major flaws, including terrible leak prevention. While you could do worse than ZoneAlarm its serious flaws and nagging pop-ups combine to make it a less than ideal experience.

I didn't know PS2 keyboards were so popular! That many people played Final Fantasy 11 on consoles?
EDIT: I just tried the Windows MSRT, and that found nothing. I really need help. Is a PS2 keyboard not talking about the console? I'm so confused!

A PS/2 keyboard (note the slash) is the old-style design with a round connector (usually purple). It is unrelated to the PS2 console. Any computer about four years old or older will most likely have a PS/2 keyboard so you should have no trouble getting one.

Oh, OK. Yeah, I bet I have one of those stashed around here somewhere...

It says, Request A Price.
Who said that if you had to ask how much it cost you probably couldn't afford it?

Well its enterprise level hardware, its hard to find solid prices for that since they're usually a negotiated thing. You could buy a top spec gaming PC for the same price though

Well, I plugged the keyboard into the purple slot, but it's not registering any of my keystrokes.

I'm pretty sure the only purple connector on my PC would be the right place for this keyboard. I plugged it in there, but it was doing absolutely nothing. Any ideas?