Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an
Oxford graduate walks in. "Howdy, stranger,
"one Texan says. "Where are you from?"
The Oxford graduate answers, "I come from a place
where we do not end our sentences in prepositions."
"Oh, I'm sorry," replies the Texan.
"Where are you from, jackass?

What does a fish with no talent need to get famous?


Auto-tuna!

Two monkeys sat in a bath...

The first monkey goes “ooh ooh ooh! ahh ahh ahh!”

Second monkey says “oh I’ll add some cold then”

What’s the best way to avoid touching your face? A glass of wine in each hand.

Person 1: Do you know how to use Outlook?
Person 2: As a matter of fact, I Excel at it.
Person 1: Was that a Microsoft Office pun?
Person 2: Word.

Here's one I stole from someone else:

"There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't".

Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside.

Why did Scott Summers stop talking to Jean Grey?

She was his X-wife!

As punishment, we made a seaman swab all the sunshine off the decks. It took the poor guy all day.

Choose an organ:
A) Heart
B) Brain
C) Liver
D) Pipe Organ

Here are some more jokes I stole:

1) Why did the skeleton not go to the Halloween party?

He didn't have any body to take with him!


2) Why are ghosts bad liars?

You can see right through them!

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?

A: Pumpkin pi


Q: Why doesn't anybody laugh at a zombies jokes?

A: They are all "groaners."

This joke is four days late, but what the heck... :P

I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.

I bought my cat a rather expensive cat playground with an enclosed sleeping area, climbing areas, platforms, and scratching posts.

Then, he tore up my sofa.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pilates

What is "Pilates" in Finnish?

Melilosvot.

(to non-Finns: pirates = merirosvot)

There is a reason we call simple and stupid jokes like these here "puujalkavitsit" ("peg leg jokes").