A man has dried plastic body filler on his head. He goes to a Doctor. The doctor says "What are you doing with that stuff all over your head?" The man says, "I bought a can of stuff and on the can it said that it would adhere to any surface!"

Three brothers are together in the house. One is 98, another 96, third 92 years old. 98 is in the bathroom on 2nd floor. He fills the tub, puts one leg in the water, stops and loudly asks:
"Was I going in or out of the bath?"

96 hears it, yells:
"Ahhhh... I am coming to check it!"
Starts climbing upstairs, stops in the middle, asks loudly:
"Was I going up or down the stairs?"

Third brother, 92, sits in the kitchen. Hears that, knocks three times on the wooden table, thinks to himself "Idiots... I hope I never get so forgetful". Then yells:
"Wait! I will check who is at the door, then come to check it out!"

Who are the cockiest Europeans?

Hungarians

I wanted a career as a tea bag. But telling this to my parents landed me in some hot water.

We once had an al fresco with bunch of colleagues. We were served a very nice soup when a downpour started. It took us several hours to finish the soup.

What do you call a russian armored battalion returning from Ukraine?
A russian infantry platoon.

My girlfriend and I were at the coast; we went inside a tall lighthouse. I wanted to climb the spiral staircase to the top. But, she complained, "I don't want to climb all the way up there." I totally confused her when I replied, "Okay sweetie, you can just wait down here in the corner."

Mae West, as Diamond Lil in "She Done Him Wrong" goes to a fortune teller. He gazes into his crystal ball. "I see a man in your life." She shoots back: "What, only one?!" ((;--))

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. In the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."

Holmes: "Watson, you idiot, somebody's stolen our tent!"

It's so hot.

How hot is it?

The sun is on fire.

"Holmes, why there is this ominous, blood-curling, deafening silence?"
"Elementary - Fish of the Baskervilles."

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-medical student interrupted him.

“Why do we have to learn this stuff?" The young man blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor retorted, before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same pre-med student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?"

The professor stared at the student for a long time. "Physics saves lives," he explained, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."

What did the liberal arts major say to the engineering grad?

Do you want fries with that?

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are at a coffee shop.
The physicist says, "You know, engineering is just applied physics," and they all laugh.
The mathematician adds, "You know, physics is just applied math," and they all laugh again.
Then the philosopher says, "Well, you know, math is just applied philosophy," and the engineer responds,
"Shut up and make our coffee."

"Barrymore, what was that shuddering howl on the moor last evening?"
"Sorry for the outburst, sir".