what did the police man say to his shirt? YOUR UNDER A VEST!

Little Johnny goes to his mother in the morning and says: "Mummy, I was watching you with Daddy last night. You sat on him and jumped up and down on him for ages."

His mother says: "You know, Daddy's just so fat and I just need to squeeze all the air out of him."

And Johnny replies: "Oh Mummy, you know that's not going to work. Every time you go to work in the mornings, the nice lady next door just blows him back up again!"

man walks up to a police officer and askes "is it offensive to call a police officer a cunt?"
The officer replies "Yes that would be considered offensive"

The man askes "what about calling a cunt sir?"
The officer replies "no that wouldnt be offensive"

The man smiles "says thank you sir" and walks away

in TF2's Meet the Medic the Medic had a disscussion about how he lost is medical license

but how did he lose it well

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6GmV7foe18

something about the patient founding out his skeleton was missing

Did you hear about the albino fruit salad?

It had no melon in.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "why the long face?" Being a horse, it can't understand human language. It's frightened, and unfamiliar with it's surroundings, so it runs out of the bar, knocking over a few tables along the way.

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. "Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I am a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves."

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

Clint Eastwood.

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?

Nothing. Chimneys can't talk.

Um, because his wife gave birth to the food?!

A man walks into a bar. He's an alcoholic, and it's destroying his family.

So an Irishman walks out of a bar...

Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute?
A: Keep the tip.

What's the difference between a blonde and a Tetris?

The Tetris has a pause button.